Insomnia Times ::: زمانهای بیخوابی

مبهـوت به سقـوطـی کـه خـواهـد رســیـد

2011-11-03T12:05:00.002+03:30

امروز که قدم می زدی؛
مبهوت مانده بودم.0
نه به تو؛
نه به من؛
نه به آفتابی که پشت ابرها غروب کرده بود.0
نه به دردی که دیگر کهنه است.0
نه به دردی تازه تر از آن کهنه.0
نه به سقوطم که برایت نا آشناست.0
نه به سیاهی روزی که نخواهی دید.0
نه به خنده ات؛
نه به گریه ام.0
نه به طوفانها و خوشی ها.0
نه به صدایی که نکردی؛
و نه به طنین بغضت که گاه و بیگاه در گلویت فرو می دادی.0

امروز تو که ایستادی؛
مبهوت مانده بودم؛
به آینه ای که من را؛
دیگر بار با سکوتت صد تکه کرد.0

بُگــــذر از ایــــن

2011-11-03T11:29:00.005+03:30

زود می گذشت؛
هزاران بار جان کندم؛
هزاران جان از ریشه کندم؛
و باز آنی نشد که میخواستم.0

تو که زود می گذشتی؛
چشمانم را تیز کردم؛
خیره به تیزی آفتاب ماندم؛
و باز راهت را گم کردم.0
آنقد که زود می گذشتی.0

زود خواهم رفت؛
زودتر از آنچه که گذشت؛
و یکی از هزاران را؛
جایی برایت به ارمغان خواهم گذاشت؛
تا دیر به سویم باز آیی.0

بارانی دیگر مانده است بیاید

2010-12-04T23:10:00.003+03:30

اینجا مانده ام بی آنکه خبر تازه ای از تو به گوش برسد.0
آسمان رو به سردی گذاشت و هر چه به پایین تر نگاه می کنم سوسوی نور؛
یا نمی دانم؛ هر آنچه که از آن سو تر تو می آمد به مرگی خاموش نزدیک می شود.0
آه اگر این حال مرا می دانستی...0
نیستی؛ آن موقع هم نبودی؛
آن موقع که بارانی می بارید و برفی نیز
و چقدر شادمان بودم اگر می دانستم که حتی سایه ای؛
دلیل و ناسزایی از آن سو تر تو برایم به ارث خواهد رسید.0
بگذریم که اگر من گاه خودم نبودم؛
و سکوت...0
گاه از مرده من نیز بر نمی خاست.0

اینجا مانده ام بی آنکه بدانم
خبرهای تازه ات اکنون به کدامین لانه خزیده است.0

برای هر که نمی میرد

2010-11-13T21:18:00.005+03:30

تاریکی ست و تاریکی؛
عمیق می برد.0
دست را؛
قلب را؛
نگاهم را.0
درد که می کشم؛
گویی آهی دیگر
نیستی ام را جشن می گیرم.0

گم شدن: در سه پرده

2010-04-09T22:23:00.008+04:30

گم شدن در جاده:
صدایت به بلندی صدایی بود که در کابوسم طنین می انداخت و فریاد میزد که: "آنجا تاریک است. تاریکی ای که نفس می کشد."0
و باز داد می زدی که: "به تاریکی می رسیم و اگر آن تاریکی برای من نفس بکشد... آنجا جای دیگری خواهد بود."0
سوت و کور است و پایان به این شکل نخواهد بود؛
همه چیز در میان فریادهای تو گم خواهد شد.0
پس این ماشین را به پیش ببر؛
به جایی که تمامی رویاهایمان غرق در لذت و شکیبایی بسوزند.0

گم شدن و کم شدن از چیزی دور از اینجا:
باز نور بود و تو و زیبایی بی دریغی که از هر طرف این جاده زبانه می کشید.0
حرفهای مادرم را از یاد می برم و پدر را که دیگر نمی شناسم.0
بارانی می بارد از بهشت؛ و مهتابی است از جایی بالاتر از این جاده و مه و رویایی که دیگر صدا نمی دهد.0
آن مهتاب همهمه ای به پا خواهد کرد؛
جایی میان هر جایی که در آخرین لحظه مان می اندیشیم؛ تا نزدیک ترین ستاره ای که ازکنارش عبور خواهیم کرد.0

گم شدن و دیگر هیچ:
غیب خواهیم شد. نوری ضعیف تر از نور چراغی خواهیم بود که بر اطراف ما؛
در کنار جاده؛ بر سقف ماشیمان می تابد.0
این حس برایمان غریب خواهد بود و غریب باقی خواهد ماند.0
هر شلیکی گلوله ای میخواهد؛
و من دست آخر تمام نقشه هایم را از ذهن پاک خواهم کرد.0
جراتی دست خواهد داد؛
تا تو را جایی دور تر از اینجا؛
برای همیشه میان بیداری و بی تابی؛ در خود دفن کنم. 0

اگر سکوت است...اگر

2010-02-05T01:46:00.004+03:30

همیشه قبل از اینکه حرف بزنم؛ می نوشتم.0
گاهی برای مطمئن شدن از همه چیزهایی که میخواستم بگویم.0
اما حالا که می نویسم؛
از حرفهایی که میخواستم بزنم هیچ اطمینانی ندارم.0
اگر سکوت کرده ام؛ ناراضی و ناآرام از تمام کلمه های از دست رفته ام هستم؛
تمام دردی که دیگر آرام نمی گیرد.0

انتهای همین...؛

2009-04-10T02:03:00.003+04:30

اینجا انتهای انتهاست، هرگز نمی هراسم که بار دیگر بگویم؛
که اینجا بار دیگر انتها را چنین بی پروا و راسخ می بینم.0
گویی همین طور که وارد می شوم؛
همه چیز را به سخره می گیرند و این را از صدایشان؛ صورتشان؛ حرکاتشان؛
احساس می کنم.0

در این رفتن؛ در این انتها؛ هیچگاه چنین عازم نبودم.0
تنهایی را در این انتها بر می گزینم؛
و آن رویای شیرین که سایه اش بر سر من سنگین است؛
از من دور می شود؛
او به آن سو می رود.0

پیش از این...درد

2008-12-01T19:53:00.011+03:30

من اینجا گم شده ام.0
شاید ماهها پیش؛ شاید سالها پیش از این؛
گم شده بودم.0
اما این چیزی نیست که بخواهم به یاد بیاورم.0
تمامی این را برای این نیامدم که بگویم گم شده ام.0
این درد اکنون برایم کهنه شده است.0

شاید برای این آمده ام که بگویم درد دارم؛
برای دیر رسیدنت؛
برای فراموش کردنت؛
برای از بین بردن من؛ از بین بردن این تنی که شاید فراموشکار است.0
حنجره ام خون آلود از زخم خنجر آویخته به دیوار است.0
اما آن خنجر دیگر نمی برد.0
این حنجره بی اختیار خون آلود میشود.0
میبینی که دردهایم بسیار است. پس بگذار برایت بگریم؛
حال که من به گریه ای نیازمندم؛ حال که دست نیاز به اشکهایت دراز کرده ام؛
بگذار این تن بگرید؛ بگذار این چشم بنگرد؛
بر دردی که این تن گمشده من را چنین محزون بر زیر آوار رها کرده است.0

من گم شده ام؛ من اگر هنوز سقوط نکرده باشد فراموشکار شده است.0
و اگر درست دیده باشم؛ حنجره ات زخمی خنجری ست که دیگر نمی برد.0
شاید ماهها پیش؛ شاید سالها پیش از این...0

قبل از اینکه نور بتابد

2008-09-19T21:58:00.009+04:30

قبل از اینکه نور بتابد؛
بر روی این تخت؛ که گاه خالی ست؛
بر روی صورت و آن لبخند تلخت که آزار نمی دهد؛
بر من که نه تو را و نه نور را می بینم.0

این نور اتاقت را زرد می کند.0
و تو نیز زرد میشوی؛
در این بهار.0

قبل از نور؛ بعد از تاریکی؛
بین همه زمانهایی که دیر رسیدم؛
حرفی به زبان نیاوردم.0
فقط بی اعتنا به اولین تابش نور خیره می ماندم؛
به زردی تو؛
به لبخندم که گاه تلخ است؛
به مردی که رو به احتضار می رود؛
قبل از اینکه نور بتابد.0

در راهرو؛ قبل از احساس کردن کمی ناامیدی

2008-08-04T21:29:00.008+04:30

تقریبا تمام راه رو دوییده بودم و اونقد موقع حرف زدن نفس نفس زدم که
که به نظر می اومد هل شدم و دست و پام رو گم کردم. سرد بود. اون راهرو بلند
که از این سر تا اون سرش با ماشین یه سه چار دقیقه ای طول می کشید رو دوییده بودم.
گفتم: " بیرون داره برف میاد. البته خیلی نه. ولی فکر کنم تا صبح سنگین بشه."0
مردم میومدن و میرفتن و تو اون شلوغی هی تنه می زدن.
آب دماغم رو پاک کردم و سعی کردم یه مقدار به خودم بیام.
-"تا اینجا که اومدم فکر میکنم که یه معجزه شده...
خوب میدونی! اینجوریه دیگه؛ یه وقتایی بود که فکر میکردم جور دیگه ای هم میشد که باشه.
یعنی همه اینا یه جور دیگه اتفاق می افتاد و من الان احتمالا خونم نشسته بودم و
احساس میکردم که آقای خودم و نوکر خودمم و اینجوریا!
شاید اصلا یه جور دیگه؛ یه شکل دیگه بودم و تو هم اینجوری مثل آدمایی که ازشون یه سوال بی سروته پرسیده باشن و
تو جوابش گیر کردن تو چشام زل نمی زدی."0

با یه لبخند که به نظر بی منظور بود دستش رو تو جیبش کرد و گفت:0
-"خوب..."0
-"خوب...اینکه...حالت چطوره؟"0
"چرا حالا اینقد هل شدی؟"0-

بارانی که آرام آرام

2008-04-22T22:18:00.005+04:30

این خیابان مرا طلسم می کرد.0
بر طلسمش گاه بی اعتنا گذشتم و گاه در زیر باران؛
بارانی که آرام آرام مرا خیس می کرد؛
محو شدم.0
این خیابان مرا به انتهایش کشاند؛
جادویم کرد و انگار که هنوز خیس می شوم؛
وقتی که محو تماشای محو شدنم؛
در انتهای راه شده ام.0

روبرو : پشت و رو

2008-04-14T21:36:00.011+04:30

در این تب می سوخت.0
صدا می پیچید و در آن پیچش صدا؛
او را در میان هر بود و نبودی یافتم.0
* * *
اون روز عصر وقتی بهم رسیدیم؛
تو اون سکوتی که مدام به من تحمیل میشد بیشتر و بیشتر غرق می شدم.0
به دور و برم که ...0
* * *
در این تب می سوخت.0
صدا در سرش می پیچید و در سکوت غرق میشد.0
مرا در میان هر بود و نبودی گم کرد.0
* * *
هر چی فکر می کردم؛
که چرا درست همین الان بایستی لال مونی بگیرم
عقلم به هیچ جا قد نداد.0
احساس می کردم که دارم تقاص پس میدم؛
چشمام دیگه رمق...0
* * *
در تبی جانسوز می سوخت؛
ریشه اش در آب ولی مرگ را در من می دید.0
* * *
حس بدی بود؛
جایی بودم که احساس می کردم بهش تعلق خاطر دارم؛
ولی مثل یه غریبه به دور و برم هاج و واج مونده بودم...!0
وقت نشد حتی درست ببینمش.0
گفتم خوب ! حالا که خوابیدی...! بذار واسه بعد.0
وقتی برگشتم تازه...0
* * *
بر تبی چنان هولناک می سوخت.0
به خنکای صبح نرسید.0
به پرواز که درآمدیم؛ او پشت سر دست تکان می داد.0

برای او؛ می دانم که جانی دوباره یافته است

2008-02-21T19:12:00.004+03:30

مردن؛
می بینی حرف تازه ای نیست !0
اینجا هیچ چیزی تازه نیست؛ جز آنکه مرده باشی؛
که حتی این نیز حرف تازه ای نیست.0
حرف تازه ؛ چگونه مردن است.0

وقتی می دیدم که آنجا دراز کشیده ای و کف پاهایت از زیر ترمه بیرون مانده است؛
زانوانم لرزید...بر روی پله ها دنیا به دور سرم چرخید...انکرو منکر را دبدم؛
و چه خوفناک بود آن هنگام که احساس کردم شاید دیگر نباشی؛
نفس نکشی و دیگر سیگارت را یکی بعد از دیگری روشن نکنی.
فندک اینجاست راست بالای سرت؛ بغل شمع.0
کاش می توانستم هر آنچه آن سو تر نمایش می دادی را ببینم؛
اما باور کن دیدن جنازه ات حال مرا دگرگون کرده بود.0

مردن؛
بازی مردن؛ بازی کردن با مرگ؛ شکار عزراییل؛
مهر هفتم...0

سرم به کنار صورتت که گذاشتم؛
اگر صدای نفست نبود شاید که می پنداشتم دیگر نیستی؛
و این نیستی پایانی بر بودن من نیز خواهد بود.0
اما تو مرده بودی تا زنده بودن را دوباره اندیشه کنی.0
هنوز هستی و می مانی و هنوز...0
کاش می دانستی که اینجا کسی نیز هر روز تمرین مردن می کند.0
بر روی بدنش بر روی روحش جراحات عمیقی است؛
ذهنش دیگر یاری نمی کند و دیگر توان تمرین ندارد.0
کاش او می دانست که تمرین مرگ کردن پایانش چه وقت است ؟
اصلا آیا پایانی بر آن استوار است؟
کاش او می دانست که اینک که تمرین مردن می کند چه موقع زمان مناسبی برای پس دادن جواب تمرینهاست.0
من از مردنت آموختم و می دانم که این آموختن چیزی بر خلاف آن روزهای با شکوه گذشته نیست.0
اگر سرد بود و بیمار شدم ؛ اگر همه چیز از آن سو آمده بود و من مجنون شده بودم؛
اگر همه بودند ولی من در آن سو مانده بودم؛ اگر تو بودی و من نبودم؛
اگر تو درجایی دیگر مردی و من نیز در جایی دیگر جان می دادم؛
اکنون تو دوباره می میری تا جان تازه ای بگیری و من در انتظار تو و او و همه آن چیزها می مانم؛
تا جان بکنم همانند همین زندگی ای که همچون خونی رونده از کالبد هستی من هدر می رود.0

کاش آن روز در کنار میز پایه بلند مشکی ای که جنازه ات بر روی آن بود؛
جایی برای من نیز می بود تا جواب تمام تمرین هایم را در کنار تو پس می دادم.0

برای ایلیا تهمتنی و هر آنچه در نمایشگاهش هنگام مرگش در دید من متصور شد.0
تهران 15 مهر 1386

به ساعت آویخته؛ چنین خیره

2008-01-20T21:17:00.000+03:30

از آن خاطرات بگو...؛
حال که همه خوابند و من بیدار؛
تو در میانه بیداری و خواب؛
شاید که بر خیرگی من به آن دور؛
به آن ساعت آویخته بر دیوار؛
دوای دردی باشد.0

قبل آنکه آرام آرام روانه شوی؛
لبخندی بزن؛
قبل آنکه به این سو چشمانت را ببندی؛
از آن خاطرات بگو...؛
حال که همه می خندند و من آرام؛
به دور؛
به ساعت آویخته بر دیوار؛
خیره مانده ام.0

خستگی، رویا و همه چیزهایی که به تاراج می روند

2008-01-12T19:10:00.000+03:30

مست خواب هستم؛
مست خواب؛ چشمانم بی رمق؛
سنگینی پلکهایم را بر روی شانه هایم احساس می کنم.0
مست خواب هستم ولی اکنون زمان خواب نیست؛
گیج و هپروت به نقطه ای دورتر از این صندلی ای که بی جان؛
با بدنی سرد اما پیچیده به گرمای اتاق
بر رویش نشسته ام خیره مانده ام.0
کاش می دانستم آن سوسوی نوری که در دوردست است از چیست؛
کاش می دانستم اگر همین راه را بروم به کجا خواهم رسید؛
آیا در آن سوسوی نوری که در دوردست است غرق خواهم شد ؟
آیا همین؟

کاش می دانستم
در این مستی خواب؛
با پلکهایی چنین سنگین؛
آیا می توانم تو را که سایه وار
در میان ذهن و چشمهای نیمه بسته وخسته ام
خرامان خرامان راه می روی در آغوش گیرم !؟

تو اگر هم آنجا باشی؛ رویاهایم همه چیزت را در میان این چشمهایی
که دیگر در سنگینی خواب غوطه ور است به تاراج خواهد برد.0

گیر افتاده در پیچ بلند

2008-01-10T11:20:00.000+03:30

در تمام این لحظات (کاش فقط همین لحظات)؛
و در تمامی روزهایی که آمد و من شادمان در آن غوطه ور بودم؛
کاش می دانستم که چنین چیزی را خواهم دید.0
(تهران؛ دی 1386)

+ + +

آه عزیز من؛
این ماشین دیگر روشن نخواهد شد.0
این جسم فیزیکی دیگر به سوی تو نخواهد آمد.0
مرا اینگونه نگاه نکن؛
هیزم وقتی خیس باشد دود خواهد کرد؛
این ماشین دیگر روشن نخواهد شد و من در این جاده گیر افتاده ام.0
تو به حرکت خودت ادامه بده.0
تو را در جایی دیگر خواهم دید.0

+ + +

گاه ساکت و گاه ساکت تر از آنچه بودم؛
به خیابان بلند روبرویم خیره می شدم؛
به انتهایش؛ به جایی که به آن پیچ و آن چراغ ختم میشود.0
سکوت آخر پاییز؛ زمین خیس؛
تنها؛
گاه؛
با صدای بلند؛
آواز می خواندم؛
در سکوت آخر پاییز؛ روی زمین خیس؛
خیره به انتهای خیابان؛
در آن پیچ بلند.0

+ + +

از آنجا که ایستاده ای؛
همه را میبینی؛
جز من را؛
و من از جایی که نشسته ام؛
هیچکس را نمی بینم؛
جز تو را.0

پاییز و آنهمه سرد؟

شب همان روز

2007-12-05T22:57:00.000+03:30

کلید انداختم و آروم اومدم تو. خونه تاریک بود؛
با این حال چراغی روشن نکردم.
خواب بودی و نمی خواستم از خواب بیدارت کنم.
صدای خرخرت رو که شنیدم خیالم راحت شد که بعد مدتها خوابیدی.
دودستی بالشتو بغل کرده بودی.
تو رو هیچ وقت اینجوری ندیده بودم.

خیس خیسم؛ بارون بدی میاد.
چتر با خودم نمی برم؛ می دونی که.
ساکت نشستم بالا سرت و نیگات کردم.
اتاق تاریکه. تنها چیزی که کمک می کنه تا ببینمت
نور لامپ کوچیکیه که جلوی پنجره روشنه.
خوابی و این منو آروم می کنه.
بعد اون شیش هفت روزی که نخوابیده بودی؛
ضعیف شده بودی. چشمات گود رفته بود. ترسیده بودم.
تو رو هیچ وقت اونجوری ندیده بودم.

انگار تمام خستگیهامو ور داشته بودم و با خودم آورده بودم.
وقتی نشستم و داشتم نیگات می کردم پلکهام سنگین شده بودن؛
از نوک بینیم؛ از موهام؛ نوک انگشتام آب می چکید.
تمام تنم انگار پر زخم بود؛ زخمی که فقط اون اتاق می تونست التیامش بده.
ساکت بودم؛ باور کن که ساکت نشسته بودم.
نیگات می کردم؛ طوری که انگار واسه آخرین بار دارم می بینمت.
آروم نفس می کشیدم. می ترسیدم بیدارت کنم...تو به این خواب احتیاج داشتی.
خودمو هیچ وقت اینجوری ندیده بودم.

خونه انگار که با تو خوابیده بود.
تو داری خواب می بینی؛ خونه ساکته؛ من تو رو می بینم؛ ساکتم.
سعی می کردم هیچ سر و صدایی نکنم؛ آرزو می کردم از چیزی هم صدایی در نیاد.
سایه سیاه خواب همه چی رو پوشونده بود.
گریه های اون شب رو یادم میاد.
آروم و بی صدا؛ بالشت رو جلو صورتت گرفته بودی؛
می گفتی: "من که گریه نمی کنم..."
گفتم: "اگه گریه نمی کنی چرا چشمات خیسه؟!"
اشکات رو پاک کردی و هیچی نگفتی.
فکر نمی کردم سوالم اینجوری هر دوتا مون رو برنجونه.
خونه انگار که با تو خوابیده بود.
منم همونجا خوابیدم.
رو همون صندلی...

از خونه که زدم بیرون صبح شده بود.
تو نبودی.0

محو شدن

2007-11-30T12:12:00.000+03:30

صحنه اول
(فاصله بین من درازکشیده تا اون پنجره که رو به اون خیابون روشنه)

من هنوز بی خوابم؛ می بینی که…
سعی می کنم به هیچی فکر نکنم؛ که خوب؛ نمیشه که فکر نکرد.
پا میشم و از پنجره اتاقم به بیرون نیگا می کنم.
می ترسم که اونجا باشم.
می ترسم که صدای خودمو تو خودم بشنوم؛
وقتی خوابم ببره.
این خیابون پر از اشباح و اجنه؛
این آنتن بزرگ تلویزیون؛
این پچ پچی که هر از گاهی از زیر پنجرم میشنوم؛
منو بخواب میبره.
این خونه ها؛ این جوب آب؛
این تیر چراغ برق؛
و این سایه بزرگ درخت که رو صورت من افتاده.

صحنه دوم
(احساس کرختی؛ تا حدی)

من اگه هیچ وقت پا به اونجا نذاشتم؛
نه واسه این بود که از چیزی می ترسیدم.
نه واسه این بود که اونجا یکی هست که به یه زبونی که نمی فهمم حرف می زنه.
نه واسه اون درختی که سایه سیاهش همیشه بالا سرمه.
واسه اینه که وقتی اونجام؛
اونجام؛ به هر دلیلی؛
تو هر لباس و هر قیافه ای؛
خودمو گم می کنم.
وقتیم که گم کنم دیگه پیدا نمیشم تا وقتی که بیدار شم.
من اگه هیچ وقت پا به اونجا نذاشتم؛
واسه اینه که قبل اینکه خوابم ببره؛
به اون سایه زل می زنم؛
زل می زنم و پلک بهم نمی زنم؛
چشمام می سوزه و می بندم؛
وقتی می بندم...
...خودمو گم می کنم.

صحنه ما بین دوم و سوم
(احساس کرختی؛ خداحافظی)

اونا امیدوارن که بخندم؛
بغض کنم (ودر این حین اگر هم شد اشکی بریزم)؛
دیوونه شم و به سرعت هم سر عقل بیام؛
قبل این که بابا مامان از خواب بیدار شن؛
قبل این که کلاغی صدا کنه؛
قبل این که صبح بشه.
اونا امیدوارن که بمیرم؛
یا دنبال هر کی که گم کردم بگردم.
عاقل و دانا باشم؛ بپرم برم؛
وقتی خواستم بپرم دستمو بگیرن؛
به درون گرمم بکشنم تو...
اونا امیدوارن من خودمو خفه کنم.
امیدوارم این برای بچه های نداشتم اتفاق نیافته.

صحنه سوم
(…)

مردن قهرمان؛
درست لحظه آخر.
این خیابون منو می بره؛
از اون پیچ رد می کنه.
به هر حال بایستی راهی می شدم.

صحنه چهارم
(محو شدن)

محو شدم؛
دوباره.
تو اون پنجشنبه بد؛
مثل پشه له شده؛
ملافه مچاله شده روی تختم؛
مثل وقتی بال داشتم.
تو اون شب بد؛
من موندم؛
در که باز شد؛
من محو شدم.

All The Morning's Stress !

2007-09-22T10:42:00.000+03:30

Say !
say something ! the noon is so near,
I should go and nobody will feel this fear.
nobody will be here, you will be alone,
and i hope my body doesn't decide to let my soul go.

will it revenge ? I hope not.
will it break all the promises,
i hope not.

Amen !

When It Was Over...

2007-08-20T22:04:00.000+03:30

Undoubtedly your song was the best song,
singing on the stage, behind the door of paradise,
that never belongs,
to your beautiful last song.
My sweetest friend,
this is what I know about what happened.
Your song was the best song,
beware of the others' worst.
But they didn't listen to yours,
and those girls of Alabama won.
You sing for that kind of paradise,
that never belongs to anybody.

The Parade Of Heaven's Tears

2007-08-11T18:21:00.000+03:30

I passed so many roads, silent streets,

in the rainy cold nights and in the hot mornings.

all my big and small crimes passed before my eyes,

and I thought all those things will be only a big joke.

but all those beautiful soft crimes turned to a big mistake.

they told me it was a big mistake.

I don't know,

I don't remember how it was happened to me.

how can I take it easy when I can't keep it real.

how can you command me when I lose my mind.

let me learn how I can clean my tears from my face.

I passed so many highways, skyscrapers,

and I made some plans to what I should do with myself.

and now somebody tells me I had survived from those days,

but I can't believe about how heaven could be an abyss.

I didn't survive. if my beautiful heaven was a horrific abyss,

I swallowed in that, deeper, deeper, deeper.

how can I take it easy when I can't keep it real.

how can you try to pull the strings when there is no puppet.

let me know how I can recover those things,

how I can send my heaven, back to its place.

Struggle Between What I Want & What I Gain !

2007-06-25T21:16:00.000+03:30

03:00 am, The Dream Scene

it was a bright room,
a room that was surrounded by sunlight...
it was day and we knew it was a great day.
we were sitting beside the window,
in the sunlight.

"wow, long time no see ! how are you?
there are so many changes, in your face,
and in your body, seems you've lost so many weight !
heh I don't know ! I don't know...
so how's it going my friend?
oh, your hair has turned to white, why?
heh you seem so old !
no no I'm joking !"

he smiled !

"I'm so happy I'm here once again,
I'm so happy I have a chance to see you...
you know !
I thought it was all over, and I can't see you again."

he smiled, with no reply...

07:45 am, Waking Up From Sleep, In The Bed

I'm stuck in my bed, I swallowed in my sweat,
I stared to an unknown point you couldn't see,
although you are not here to see my point of view !
and if you were here, still you couldn't see my point of view...
ah this is what I wanted, this is what I needed,
but the result doesn't show what I expected...
I saw you in my dreams, as always,
and this is what I wanted.
but I'm crying, because I can't see you,
in my real life, in the real world, in the real time.

I had so many things to say,
but I've forgotten all of them...
the only thing I remember is the scene of the dream that I told.
you are gone, and I've missed you for awhile,
until I see you again and I close my eyes on my pains & scars !

With No Passion !

2007-06-15T00:41:00.000+03:30

There is something, someone inside me,
who forces me to write a new piece.
but i can't dare myself to write something,
that never shows my true feelings.
forget me...
this isn't what i want !

My Cup Of Coffee !

2007-05-22T21:50:00.000+03:30

O' I needed a cup of coffee !
oh I had a cup of coffee...
someplace behind of me,
the place I couldn't see.
he brought me a cup of coffee,
and it was not a gift, it was just a cup of coffee,
it was coming from our friendship.
I needed that,
and I still need it.

the taste of this cup of coffee reminds me
of so many beautiful things,
so many stories, so many events,
so many people I had always desired to meet.
but all of them are gone
and I only feel those beautiful things
turned to the most betray things in my life.

we stand side by side and I look into our cups of coffee,
and I'm sure these two cups are the same with the same taste.
a good cup of coffee still makes me high !

Creating A Stranger

2007-05-13T22:30:00.000+03:30

All of my personalities are the same.
very simple and easy that you can recognize.
when I walk through the streets,
I use my first face,
and when I find you,
or when I arrive somewhere,
I use my another face.
but all of my personalities are the same,
and the first and second face are just an identity.
something screams in my skull
"don't come around with a hidden identity."

i hope there isn't any third and fourth.
because this creature lives forever !

Disorder In The Bed

2007-04-27T14:16:00.000+03:30

That was a rainy night,
and I couldn't sleep.
the feeling that didn't make me wonder,
the event that didn't make sense to me.
I was lying on my bed,
I was watching the ceiling.
that wasn't the first time,
and wouldn't be the last time,
that I feel, there is someone in me,
who never lets me sleep.
if my eyes are closed, don't believe this scene.
this isn't my body that sleeps so well.

All The Same Events !

2007-04-13T20:37:00.000+03:30

In the first night,
I wore my headphone and played that song,
the most dreamy song I've ever heard in my life,
but that was not "Closer".
after more than 7 times of hearing that song, I fell into sleep.
and I had the most beautiful dream I could ever have.
I can't remember that dream now !

in the second night,
once again I wore my headphone and played that song.
and it played more than 7 times.
I fell into sleep and once again I watched that dream,
the dream that I had in the last night.
that was a song that led me to the most beautiful and endless
dream in the world.

Before the third night comes,
when I was at office, I desired to go home,
night comes, I jump into my bed and play that goddamned song.

the 3rd night comes,
but I've lost that song on my player.
I can't find that song and I don't have that song on any other places.
and I can't remember where and when I found that song.
I've lost that song forever. and I can't have that beautiful dream again.
that didn't happen for the third time and because of it the game didn't start.

The Clockwork Serenity

2007-04-10T20:07:00.000+03:30

this is the time of sun.
this is sunrise | he stands in front of me.
i sit on the ground, i think i have some wounds on my knees.
it hurts and i can't stand.
the bright sun still shines,
and he still stands in front of me.
he lights his cigar or something.

he yells : "O' God, please give him brain,
and give me money."
this time his sentence deosn't look like a joke for me.
i'm just looking at him.
i'm just thinking about what he said.

this isn't the time of sun.
this is sunset | he isn't here anymore.
smell of his cigar is everywhere.
it sits on my hair, on my cloths, on my wounds.
i still sit on the ground, my arms are still open and tired,
and i'm not sure there isn't anybody out there to help me.

Every Action Has A Reaction

2007-04-04T22:00:00.000+03:30

I was walking in the street,
and i was thinking about something that i can't remind.
all my questions had the same answers,
but i can't remind the answers too.

I Always Lose My Best !

2007-03-29T16:44:00.000+03:30

i thought that had been my last chance to see her,
and that happened again and i wasn't ready to taste that.
it happened and it will always happen.
i don't want to stay here anymore,
she will come with me and i will carry my best things,
before i lose them once again.

Existence Out Of Nothing, And I Will Exit

2007-03-27T20:24:00.000+03:30

Something exists under my skin,
it tickles me, it bothers...it still reigns my body.
something moves under my pillow,
it isn't my hand, it isn't a nightmare, it is myself.
it is myself but it's not me who tickles me.
when you bury my body, my existence will reveal my meaning.

Chaos !

2007-03-24T02:08:00.000+03:30

this was a room, of an unknown man who doesn't live here anymore.
all these things i see comes from our home,
and this place will be our jamming room.
this is me, and he is my friend who wants to play with me.
i never want it again but it still sings here and i love that.
i tune my guitar and plug my microphone,
i try to unplug myself from this place, but i can't.
he looks at me and i still tune my guitar, i try to remind something.
wish i tried it before...
this wasn't my intro for this song, but i play that kind of shit,
and all of us think we are in the right way.
this is the time i should sing, and this is what i tried to remind.
i close my eyes and send a noise to microphone.
he stands out there and still looks into my eyes.
i can't remind the lyrics and our time is over.

Thirteen.Eighty.Six

2007-03-20T23:36:00.000+03:30

Do i need to post an entry in this space,
in the last hours of Thirteen Eighty Five ? do i ?
do i need some new words to say I Love You ? or something else ?
how do i feel this pain, this love, this life ?
how should i carry this body from here to there ?
and is there anybody to help me without any worry ?
i love these moments and i hate this passing time too.
still i have some problems with it,
will i solve this one ?...i don't know.
all my good things wait for me,
and all my bad memories hide behind someone,
or something that i can't recognize.
this is the way how i feel unluckiness.
Thirteen Eighty Five waits for my smile,
but i can't do that right now.
that was not good and still i can't forget.
i'm so proud of about what will happen in my life,
what i will gain and what i will be.
good or bad, this is the way how we live.
this is life, and it decides for us.

Thirteen Eighty Five wants to be part of my memories,
i'll never forget about what i gained or lost,
and i'll be the most important part of my life, ...if i could.

Thirteen Eighty Five left my room, and i'm waiting for the new year to come...

............................................................................
Special thanks to Fouad Amiri, for all of his supportings, specially through these last hours of 1385.

I Said My Excuses (But it Still Bothers Me)

2007-03-19T20:33:00.000+03:30

no one knows, why i lay down,
it just kills me, with no gun.
no one feels me, because it robs me,
it drags me down, i hope it forgets me.

time passes, singer sings for grace,
and i'm sure, it's not me, it's pressure.
i hope you know, i can't stay anymore,
i should leave you, it's not me, it's pressure.

she stands toward me, and sings this song with me,
ah set me free. let it be free.
i told you behind the line, all about leaving you,
but i love you.

Be Happy If You Can

2007-03-11T22:32:00.000+03:30

in the feast of friends, she looks straight into my eyes,
i drink and don't pay any attention to her.
this is not what i want.
my friends know who she is,
and this matter bothers me so much.
she wants to live with me, because she thinks i'm always happy,
and i just want to escape from the party,
because i finally know that she is a professional prostitute.

it's too late, she said yes.

I Believe It...And It Always Makes Me Believe !

2007-03-10T22:50:00.000+03:30

Through the Insomnia Times,
when i want to close my tired and puffy eyes,
suddenly, i remember everything i had,
everything that i don't have them anymore. i cry.
and this crying is just like thinking.
thinking about why i just cry for my wasted things,
but i didn't laugh when i had them.

through the Insomnia Times,
when i want to close my red & bloody eyes,
i yawn and try to sleep.
maybe i don't cry for my wasted laughs.

The Cashier

2007-03-09T21:37:00.000+03:30

February 15
A million stars glow in the night, all my neighbours sleep,
and i'm going shopping, i'm walking, at 00:34 am.
nobody knows why i decided to go shopping late at night.
when i desired to see her once again, i picked up the phone,
and dialled her number,...
she was there. she said everything is ready for our visit.
i'm wearing my overcoat, i'm so happy, tired & wishful.
i only think about her and her weaked voice.

February 2nd
when i arrived the store, she was sitting lonely behind the cash,
and smoked her cigar. queitly, with no expectance in her eyes.
i said: "hey !" and she turned back and said: "hey dad ! where the hell were you?

Rooms No. 24 & 25

2007-03-08T00:19:00.000+03:30

please be quiet dear psychotics. doctor will be here for a minute.
but control yourself for awhile. he sleeps in the next room and...
...hey you son of the bitch ! hey you ! are you listening to me ?
shit ! give me that poison !
give me that !

Redemption In A Cafe, Or Someplace Else

2007-03-05T23:12:00.000+03:30

"Look into my eyes !"
the poor girl looks into his eyes, with so much fear & love.
"this is just what i want..."
"what do you want from me?"
"your heart, your soul, your virginity !"
the poor girl cries so hard and asks herself:
"where is the best place to hide ?, what is the finest way,
to feel my life once again ?"
the tall and blond man wears his glasses
and asks his final question:
"what do you think about it ?"

the sky is cloudy, and it seems that it isn't a good decision,
to spend your lifetime under the rain.

When I Say It One Thousand Times !

2007-03-04T22:13:00.000+03:30

Always i remember the moments,
the moments when i was with you, in the city of lights,
between the laughters, murderers and friends.
i just wanted to know why i was in there,
and why i always desired to be with you,
and why there was only me,
why i appeared in your way, my brother.
hell yes...i lose them all, there is not justice for me,
and i adore the moments, when i say these words,
one thousand times...
...I'm the second and you are still the first...
you're still the one !

Leaving Home And Every Bad Dreams I Had !

2007-03-03T22:49:00.000+03:30

leaving home is an emotional event,
something very beautiful, unexplainable,
amazing & unforgettable.
all your family members want to hug you,
but you can't forget your damaged past
and you can't show what are your reasons to leave.
you just want to leave yourself, leave everything you did,
everything they did & every bad dreams you had,
in your place of birth.
yes my dearest, this is what i learn from a damaged,
& insane family.
i will not go, i stay here and try to forget,
all those sweetest moments i had...

The Featherhouse

2007-03-02T18:27:00.000+03:30

don't waste your time anymore.

i never let you down, i never make you cry,
but this place is my only birthplace,
and i never let you tear it down.
there is a hidden place in my backyard,
i lay you down in there,
i make you free.
let me carry you to your new birthplace.
sleep silently and don't say any words,
and i'm sure you won't !

F !

2007-03-02T15:04:00.000+03:30

Floating on mercury,
...what the hell are you doing up there ?

words of : Fouad Amiri
artworks by : Arash Khosronejad

The Sweeper

2007-03-01T17:59:00.000+03:30

the sweeper stands out there, with the infected bandaged eyes,
with the long besom in his hands, with black & dirty working overcoat.
he stands in the middle of the square, the square with tall bared trees and flaming grass.
from my window, i see him walks hobblely. he talks with those fairies, quietly.

he is not a worker, but he works, he is not a scavenger, but he scavenges, he is not a thinker, but he always thinks, he is not a sweeper, but he sweeps... ...he always sweeps, he always sweeps.

in the middle of nowhere, he stands with the long besom in his hands,
with black & dirty working overcoat. he is a sweeper and he sweeps the square,
the square that placed near our place of working.
he waits for someone, for his woman who will come to his way.
he always cries, and he hopes that his woman isn't a sweeper.

Eiffel Lies In Parking !

2007-02-28T21:47:00.000+03:30

"Arash gimme that pencil..."
"that's very nice boy."
"heh, yes ! Eiffel tower in..."
"...in parking !"
"yessss !"
"just imagine it."

phone rings

5 minutes later
"how should i draw that fuckin arc ?"
"mmm ! from inside, from here ...to here !"
"maybe, we should check it from Google Earth !"
"yeeeaaaahh !"

...and nobody ever imagines that Eiffel Tower was under re-construction, somewhere in Parking...

All the Cold Cups Of Tea !

2007-02-23T16:52:00.000+03:30

that was my second time i saw her face,
the first time was when i stood at her doorway,
in the stairway,
some days ago.
she brought a cup of tea for me, when i was sitting on her sofa,
somewhere in her living room.
i wasn't thinking of anything, i was just thinking about why she was naked.
i'm staring to her face, and she still thinks i'm her man...
...but i'm not.
i'm just a postman.
my tea gets cold.

It Always Hurts

2007-02-22T00:57:00.000+03:30

I remember my childhood's playmate, when we were so young, so pure, when we played on the backstreet park, on the dusty ground. all days long we were waiting for our daddies to come, to steal his money, to spent our time with gum & gun, all those days are gone. but this is not what we wanted, this is not what we desired to have, O' my sweet friend, i'm so sad, you aren't here and you'll never know, how much i feel loneliness.

the Dead-End Street Cries

2007-02-22T00:01:00.000+03:30

in this long, right and bright street,
that short, silent and dark dead-end street is mine.
my heart was broken by the shadows, my life was infected by them. Every sadistic dreams I expected to come true, went alive.
every sweet emotions are gone.
i'm living like this, the story of a boy who always misses.
i'm so sad my dearest, i feel so down my greatest.

nobody remembers his birthday and nobody remembers the time of death, may be yesterday, and may be tomorrow.
may be we fall in love together, tomorrorw, once again.
or just like everyday we forget each other, we bury it in yesterday.
in this short dead-end street, the time is so long,
the breath is so much longer...and Life doesn't exist any longer.
i'm so sad my dearest, i feel so down my greatest.

Until I Find Myself...

2007-01-26T19:12:00.000+03:30

I love you,
but in this situation,
i can't show this feeling to you.
O' yes,
in this fuckin dark & mephitic crypt,
you shall stay
and promise yourself,
not to love me again.

3 Stories About The Despoileds & The Deads

2006-11-30T17:46:00.000+03:30

vision no 1 : Despoliation
all those birds, despoiled.
those sick cats couldn't stay.
until the darkness of night comes,
they will disappear in the trash of the city.
traitors sleep comfortably.

vision no 2: Cracks Of The Stone
i don't know !
do you know ?
how to learn a child about how we can plan a perfect suicide,
to end our life.
and how is the way of telling the children
"why he commited suicide, because of his meeting with the day,
but that shiny sun stuck behind the mountains"

i don't know !
do you know ?

vision no 3 : Story Of My Friend, About How He Died
i can remember his birth,
in a crowded place,
when i lost myself.
when he had a smile on his face,
and didn't think about why he couldn't see me.
he said hello to the world and came out from my head.
that was in the beginning of the night.

and now i don't know what was the time,
when he died, when he passed away,
without any goodbye, without any farewell.
this is the way how i feel loneliness,

did he think we should be closer ?

The Flaming Candles & A Cake

2006-11-27T09:28:00.000+03:30

someone hit the lights,
when i was so broken-hearted.
i thought everyone left me,
i felt i was alone.

someone lit up the candles
no one was left me.
flames of candles illmines the room,
but still, i feel i'm alone.

Ashes Of A Friend

2006-11-20T17:06:00.000+03:30

our one last day, when we were together,
when we were so high, when we were so low.
you sat alone on a bench, i was walking to you.
the people screamed, you was thinking about me.
when i reached to you, you said "i was thinking about you".
but i'm sure you weren't.

On My Stone

2006-10-28T10:41:00.000+03:30

(just like a candle...)

the light of my candle fades in the wind,
and it doesn't make any sense to you.
because you never know what happened,
what happened to me,
and of course to my life.

all you said was about my reality,
and you thought it was a lie,
O' my brother, i lose it again.
and this time is so hard for me.

it writes one my stone, i was not reality,
because i was a dream and the man who lies beneath tried to make it real.
O' my sweet friend, accept all my excuses,
this wasn't a lie, and this wasn't a reality.
that was just a dream, and you was part of it.
you was part of it...
you was part of it...

but still i'm not sure.

For A Dreamy Moment...

2006-09-24T00:13:00.000+03:30

with a pain in my back,
with the river of painkillers in my veins,
i sleep on the sofa,
somewhere in the hall,
somewhere in the clouds.

Your Reincarnation

2006-09-02T11:20:00.000+03:30

i sit behind my desk,
with a pencil and a paper in my hand.
i shocked about a new story,
about a new event,
that came to my home.
every story has a hero,
or heroine.
and this story has no hero,
and of course a heroine.
this tale, is true, or maybe not...
but in the absence of all heros,
a shadow lives in darkness.
nobody knows him,
everyone desires to unmask his face.
but he grips it so tight.

angels never send any message from you,
all the ways to his home are dead-end.
how can i draw your face ?

all the brightest things left, and nothing remains,
more mysterious men will come to my way.

Incarnating Of Crying Faces...

2006-08-25T03:07:00.000+03:30

close your eyes...
don't listen to any other words,
dont listen to any other voices...
i know you have a pain.
but where all the pains lie ?
in your head, in your eyes, in your mouth,
in your chest, in your heart ?
in your legs, in your hands, in your fingers ?
talk to me my dear....!
say where the hell your pains lie

Her Silent Fiction

2006-08-25T02:57:00.000+03:30

darkness was their bride,
Ezeserbeth dances in the center of square,
i search something in the embrace of her,
and the moon looks us brightly.

not enough reasons for our dying life,
nothing for me.
dying,
rotting,
her blessings break us...

Talk To Me

2006-07-24T21:19:00.000+03:30

O' my sweet friend,
talk to me...
in the middle of the night,
your song played in my ears,
your face appeared in my eyes.
and the only thing i want is,
your voice.
i wished you call my number,
because i want to reject you.

[i can't hear your voice.]

How Much Longer ? (Part IIII)

2006-07-15T22:13:00.000+03:30

i can fall from the grace,
from everything you deny,
i can kill myself if you deny me,
hang myself from myself,
throwing inside,
so deep, cold and clean.
my ideas fall down,
break by your hands,
and you aren't aware about it.

neither the way how i fall in love,
nor the natural of yours.
the mighty sign of you, still reigns,
the availability of your power,
still exists.
still exitsts...
i feel it.
it feels me...
it fills me.

In The [biggest] Crowd !

2006-06-25T12:47:00.000+03:30

you turned your head,
i droped,
you didn't see how i failed,
hope to see you...
in the other side.

Crucifixion

2006-06-16T02:20:00.000+03:30

shining in me, in the absence of you,
in the dreaming moments of mine,
leave another scar in me.
heart in the fire of living,
living in the dreaming of you,
dreaming of leaving sadness,
it leaves antoher scar and...

it only comes out in the night,
it only comes out in the morning,
it only comes out in the begining of dusk,
leaving your embrace,
drifting away, far away from your smell,
it lives, it exists,
it leaves another pain & scar,
i can't recognize it...

shining in me, in the absence of you,
life is gone, my hair turns to white,
you gain everything,
i lose myself,
it leaves a big scar,
it builds a bitter place,

for living,

for me.

How Much Longer ? (Part III)

2006-05-21T11:37:00.000+03:30

you are still crying,
and i still think about you,
we go,
we go,
and still we go,
we fade in our shadows,
moonlight swallows our shadows.

How Much Longer ? (Part II)

2006-05-13T15:46:00.000+03:30

until i touch it, when it shines brightly.
until i drag it down to the street below,
when it rolls hardly,
he comes to his home.

your mouth...
moves,
your eyes,
see,
stop them.
i want you to hear it.

On The Road Again

2006-04-17T14:23:00.000+03:30

this is me, the real me,
the real fantastic paper mache,
i'm coming to you, from somewhere,
not so far, not so close.
...here i am.

you sweat so hard,
you think there is something,
coming in your way.
you are silence, are you here ?
i want you know that i'm coming to you,
from somewhere,
i'm not so good, i'm not so lucky,
...here i am.

what are you fighting with ?

Passing The Disease Lines

2006-03-11T20:39:00.000+03:30

why you think god made some mistakes, to crashing me down?
i just let myself to sit next to an angel, the fallen one, who makes me mad,
who makes me love, who changed the world in some minutes ago...
this is not the lost part of mine, this is not the damaged part of yours,
this is only the home we creep into it, when we (i & you) listen to the voices of him,
and i drown when the lights were comes around, nobody listens to me,
i'm alone, and i deserve to hided from the sun.

my breath stops, my beat sings the song that you've played it before.
oh yes, this is me, and nobody knows me too much,
this is the way to know how is love and how is hate.
let me talk with somebody, if somebody wants.
let me know if you want to listen to me, and of course this is me,
the person that nobody wants to know him.
my breath begins, my beat doesn't sing any song from you,
oh yes, your feelings crawls into my flesh.

i never want to disappoint you, i never want to hurt you,
cut the rope and come back to me, when they accept that i'm a crazy,
and accept to see our relationship, in the winter nights, not in the autumn days.
all the beauties from you, all the ugly things from me, and now winter ends,
spring calls my name...

i can't go, let the sun consider this, consider me, consider you.
poisons don't give any answer to us, blades aren't the last ways,
i want to be you, i never feel pain, i never feel scare, if i be with you...
i can't go, poison don't give any answer to us, i want you.
i throw my self away, far from the heaven, far from the place you live.
someone searched the footsteps of yours, someone left the poor me,
just wait here for a few moments, let me stand up and stand on my own feet,
and then i don't want too many things from you...
only come here, i woke up some minutes ago,
party is over, i'm so tired, breakfast is ready...

Silence Of Hopes (In 3 Chapters)

2006-01-28T01:54:00.000+03:30

Chapter I
here is nothing to make me happy.
i can't feel the warmth of life,
but when i feel that here is the end of everything,
when i feel that there is no happiness and hope,
something grows in my flesh,
a great impression of ecstasy, trance, freedom, balance,
or something else...

and between these impressions i understand that
his heart is full of endless treasures,and my hands are full of nothing...

Chapter II
it's gone forever,
i'm still here, couldn't i ?
(would it be ?)

it's gone forever,
and no one is here,
i'm here, he is too, should we not here ?

and in the place that space and flying commands everything,
we can go.

Chapter III
for me silence is so beautiful.
swallowing in gruesome thoughts is very unforgettable.
and through this silence,
i save myself from the ocean of gruesome thoughts,
just like a saviour.

(takes from some scattered notes, winter of 2003, spring of 2004)

Everything What Happened !

2006-01-10T14:06:00.000+03:30

for everyone and everthing i spent my time for,
for every places i arrived and for every moments i dealed with,
for you and for everybody's fool.

i hung with you, if you remember.
i talked to you under this roof,
i fall in love to felt the love again,
[if you remember].

never lose something,
love is not enough...

In My Mind...And Somewhere Far Beyond

2005-12-16T20:42:00.000+03:30

8:50 AM
kiss her, kiss her awake, kiss her awake.

9:13 AM
don't let me go away.

9:18 AM
beautiful lake, this is everything i want.

9:24 AM
just sit beside me, i sit next to your door.

9:25 AM
poverty...

9:26 AM
adversity...

9:33 AM
sorry, about our late service, cafe is now open. why you are so dirty ?

9:33 AM
because i stay alive...!

Flying Points

2005-11-28T18:50:00.001+03:30

I deserved to watch you die,
on my hands, across this empty feelings spaces.
I keep your sign, you keep my feelings,
silence in my head, I can see myself,
fly above these points,
the spaces you called flying points.
am I brokenwinged?, are you brokenhearted?,
is god alone ? do angels watch us die ?

I let you, to have your own world,
without my shadow,
without my speech,
without your heart.

you deserved to watch me die.

Where Life Supposed To Be

2005-11-18T21:03:00.000+03:30

life owns to somebody who set itself free.
never forgive itself, and feel the freedom in loneliness.
and that's the right time to find itself so pure.

God Made Pressure

2005-11-11T00:18:00.000+03:30

i know there was a higher place for you,
on top of this world, over these mountains,
far from this home.

i know there was a sweet home for you,
the crowded place to feel the happiness of life,
beside the brighness of snow,
far from your birthplace.

throught the corners of this room,
on top of the wires, beside the green walls,
there were three innocents,
in the other room there was a big fatuous,
he never lived with the other three !

god made pressure...

About His Truth

2005-11-01T10:50:00.000+03:30

these words aren't by me. you'll know who said it. and...one moment silence to respect his uncatchable soul.

" I want to show you images that will be like a slap in your face to shatter your security. You can look away,turn off,hide your identity like murderers,but you can not stop the truth. No one can."

Kaveh Golestan

http://www.kavehgolestan.com

How Much Longer ? (Part I)

2005-10-28T02:26:00.000+03:30

everybody's stuck...

high or low,
fight and try to win,
look backward,
there is a man stands alone...

that's me.
everybody's stuck.

Reunion (For Living)

2005-09-24T14:12:00.000+03:30

the end of my story was so close,
i cried too much, i didn't laugh anymore.
should i stay there with the people who existed.
i was a stranger, with a strong lies to my family.
i couldn't find something to live,
and of course, i didn't do it.

i was really close to you,
nor once time, nor two...

...and i felt it, the breeze of alone heaven.
i tried to find you, and i found myself,
when i was so low,
i saw you once again,
o' yes, it's true.

I Exit...

2005-09-08T12:25:00.000+04:30

i carry my dreams everywhere,
every places you remove yourself from.
through the midnight skies,
i cry for the passed moments.

light cries,
i exit...

Don't Knock The Door (If You Want)

2005-08-19T23:17:00.000+04:30

dedicate to the beautiful one, Jennifer Aniston

ah, she looks behind herself...
her man traveled so far,
so far from her embrace.
could she trust him,
to his loyalty.

long time no see,
long time no kiss,
long time no touch,
let the moon shines for us,
once again.

mirrors, broken hearts,
windows close to her eyes,
she knows he never comes back.
this is his loyalty.

our footsteps fade in the shore,
waves are cruel,
God is alone, i am alone,
tell the angels what's your returning time.
not a peaceful story, not a sunny day.
everybody knows i waited for you,
this is my loyalty, this is your decision.

The Foolish Games

2005-08-05T17:55:00.000+04:30

look at me, if you don't want to look anything,
bleeding you, spit the dirt on the floor,
i don't look at you.

you are not alone, behind you there is a man who breaths,
bravely, tired and dedicated,
my tears drop on my trousers,
give me a moment to repair it.

all friends of mine desired to play the foolish games,
lonely, or with another one.
i sit alone and watch you friendly.

The Separation

2005-08-01T22:42:00.000+04:30

all nights came and gone forever,
after a peaceful and dreamy moments,
between the darkness of lights,
through the days of silent crying.

the hidden one, the brightest friend.
my moments passed away,
your throne will never crash,
i buried myself by myself.

the ways will bright and all dreams drifted away,
everything is damaged sooner than i thought,
all nights came and gone forever,
after the night of candles and farewells.

you give my life to the sun,
brother of smiling, neighbor of anger.
washing your scar was the healer of my dreams...
...this separation is not so unexpected.

i can feel all of them...
but...
how do you want to find me ?

I Am Damaged Within

2005-07-17T23:49:00.000+04:30

i am damaged within.
through the drowning, i see myself,
isee a man who goes up,
without any wings.
through the time of sinning,
i spent my time for it,
may my sins rest in peace.
then i find my sin's depth,
i lose myself,
i shy to see him,
or say the other one's name.

i am damaged within,
and this damaged flesh did by my hands.
who wants to find the truth ?
to find the sanctification ?
am i reached to the depth of it ?
but when i taste the sin,
i never can think about sanctification,
after the sin testing,
i remember the passions,
what are so sweat...
...those are my sweat memories.

i am damaged within,
and this damaged flesh is fit to me.
yes, i'm the only witness of it,
and you will see it many times after me.
these virulent and sweat passions replaced,
replaced by the absolutely sweat passions.
i put my right hand on my left hand,
and dive into my thoughts,
may i find a single ray of light,
in the dark maze of my mind's mansion.
and believe me that there is a light,
that never hits and never dies.

if i be a damaged one,
that's because i lose the distance between the sin and rectitude,
between darkness and lightness.
and that's the reason,
to i see myself, go up,
without any wing.

Protempore Gone

2005-07-01T01:30:00.000+04:30

i get tired...
there are ten times i hide behind this shoulder,
the shoulder that you made for me.
oh friend, listen...
let them feel your hands, let them laugh with you,
between the buried you, and the embraced me,
there is nothing but the pain exists.

i get tired,
there are eleven times i hide behind the shoulder,
the shoulder that you produce for me.

My Body's Night

2005-06-10T02:39:00.000+04:30

everybody jump into the part,
in the last moments of their life.
expired by someone's doubt,
and i still remain on my feet.
all of them will find me,
and i remind all of them again.
together they are happy,
lonely they will sleep.

I Turn On The Lights

2005-06-05T23:32:00.000+04:30

(this isn't my pure end,
hello my lost friend...!)

long time ago, i and my sleepy spirit,
walked in a long and endless road,
a travel to the home of mine.
there was no one in the road,
no birds in the sky,
no sun in the horizon...
...and no mankind beside me as a friend !

i tried to find a light,
or lit up a match,
to find the truth about the road.
my inner pains fills my flesh,
forgotten loves and dreams...
...still i tried to find a light.

god catches the light from me,
winds blow the dusts away,
angels die first,
then my spirit decieds to do it,
after a minute my wings break,
my blood fills my way,
home of the silenced one burns...
...and i feel fine.

(how can i find you?)

Heaven Shall Wait

2005-05-05T00:15:00.000+04:30

i hurt myself by my mind,
after the glinting of you.
please hold my face up,
heaven shall wait for someone.

The Last Minute To Silence.

2005-05-05T00:03:00.000+04:30

through the sunbeam of the town,
beside the red pavement,
my darling buys something,
for someone.
over the red pavement,
i shut my mouth with a muzzle,
with a chocolate in my hand.
no one tells me to hide,
but i try to do it,
god watches me, and she...

there is no words to say,
no tears to drop, no story to tell,
everybody waits for the last minute to silence.

After The Morning

2005-05-01T22:32:00.000+04:30

after the morning,
somebody rides on the horse,
with a flower in the hand,
with a smile on the face.
he looks at her horse,
horse looks to his master.
after the morning,
with the birds in the sky,
and the sun in the middle,
somebody rides on the unicorn,
with a heart in the hand,
with a shaft in the face.

Blame Nobody

2005-05-01T22:24:00.000+04:30

your future is lost,
you sleep alone in the present.
i dedicated myself to my life,
broken glasses of your heart is my mirror.

2005-04-27T01:32:00.000+04:30

i feel there is a door opened for me, guide me to a new life. after a long time of lethargy and sickness now i can feel there is a new age stands for me. i find a place for myself for feeling a good loneliness, like them who feel obliquity perfectly. if i want to be alone because i want to find myself again. through the silence i fight with, i invite myself to challenge with the other side of mine, for a big victory of good living, and i think this is good.

Wrath Of Somebody To Someone

2005-04-16T00:08:00.000+04:30

i was floating in the waves of your dreams,
you can see me trying to help myself.
suffering never ends and never tries to know,
what i was and what you will.
it's too real for everyone who knows what the life is.
pains of kindhearted creatures,
freedom of tyrant animals,
these are the problems of the injured one.

Perfection Or Nothing

2005-04-11T00:29:00.000+04:30

when the silence crosses my eyes.
in the nighttime of eden,
the beasts arrive to the embraces.
(she dies lonely.)

brokenwings butterflies,
are the witnesses of our death.
what was our sin.
where was the crown of jesus of nazareth.
(he reigns lonely.)

...still she cries for herself.
who is the last one to see her rotten body.
she dedicated her minds, also ignores her life.
where was the perfection.
(i stand lonely)

Relevance

2005-04-08T00:18:00.000+04:30

i'm free,
i want to whack up this freedom with you.
i'm alone,
i want to fill my world with you.
i have schizoid,
i want to show you involuntary dreams.
i have speech,
i want to talk with you or someone else.
i have feeling,
i want to whack up my feeling with you.

freedom, loneliness,
shizoid, speech,
are my feelings.

(taken from somewhere in my college notebooks, pre-2002)

Alive Or Happy ?

2005-04-05T00:46:00.000+04:30

(dedicate to Jaber Hojjati)

oh yes my friend,
you are me, and i'm you, if i could.
i show my life to you,
because you are me, and i'm you,
if i could.
you don't need to close your humanity,
and i don't need it too.
join yourself and ride the world.
if there are many ways to go,
you need to concentrate your feelings.
you were in your house of minds,
design the face of happiness,
if there are many ways to go.
break the wall of confusing,
you need to design a crime,
called being human.

Pass These Words

2005-04-05T00:14:00.000+04:30

Chapter I
(00:25 am, feel happy in the crying room)
the closest eyes of the dying brides,
in the land of silent cries,
far from the home of the braves,
all in the heart of blackness and freedom.
nothing but my mouth speaks,
talks about where can she hide or die,
sorrows of oriental people,
and mourning of western shadows.

Chapter II
(some minutes later, before hitting lights)
sadistic tranquillity, windows of pain,
crying childrens of hundred miles away.
don't believe the preacher's speech,
but war is coming.
god damned my land in the night of lightnings.
let the broken hearts feel theirselves.
withstand the fall of life,
take mine and leave this life behind.

Mortal Salvation

2005-03-31T02:20:00.000+04:30

no more pains in your painful eyes,
save your dreams, your flesh needs a shelter.
liars never tell the stories correctly,
friends never show their hands friendly.

comments of your dreams,
at the end of the way of light and vanity,
no one could tell you what happened,
when you know there is no more pains in your painful eyes.

allow me, allow the majestic silence comes,
hide this unfadable feeling in yourself.
hopes of angels are a big joke,
tranquillity of mankind is a big lie.

leave me, leave yourself again,
if i tell you i'm a truthful, don't believe my words.
lights never bright and love never shows you the correct way,
and i think there are more words to say.

Lovely Desolation

2005-03-23T00:22:00.000+04:30

all my ideas about love and hate,
about fear and bravery,
freezed by the coldness of their life.
no energy, no freedom, no angel lives here anymore.
something grows up in my flesh, in my brain,
and never let me think about myself.
all the purposes of my life,
swallowed by the connections of disconnected people.
they try to make me a imprisoned one,
and i escape from their cell into my own prison.
all my ideas about peace and holiness,
about light and silence,
tortured by them,
by the people who want to set their anger free....

Another Existence

2005-03-20T00:32:00.000+03:30

what was take her to the darkness ?
her life was taken to the doggery...
she defines inferiority to me.
from the highways into the blind ways.
everyday, every morning,
she still waits for a jubilee.
something is in the air,
in her breath.
come to me, to another existence,
to another highway of her blindway.

(taken from my first & unnamed poem notebook, winter 1996)

Thy Crime

2005-03-14T00:17:00.000+03:30

(dedicate to Charles G. Hamilton, a silent man, the strange one, R.I.P. 1982 - 2005)

god gives them the chance of living,
and i watch them die,
with no reason, with no passion.
let my flesh speaks, if you're a believer.
this is not me, you look in the mirror,
close your eyes and see me as a spunkie.
don't imprison the man, who haven't got any chance...,
for living !

The Believer

2005-03-08T00:40:00.000+03:30

this is the window to the burned grassland,
break the glasses away.
don't accept the offerings of sufferings,
try to forget your last laugh.

there's a light in my skull,
through the nigritude and high hopes,
when your darkness shines,
your immortal sufferings will rise.
{ this is the window to the burned grassland,
break the glasses away. }

Scars ( Of Accusation )

2005-03-06T00:43:00.000+03:30

ignore this identity, ignore this position,
this isn't the true morning,
i call it brutal truth.

shall i go, shall you trust ?

what a beautiful road i see,
and what a deep grave she has.
spiritual healing but i want to name it
spiritual destructing.

(ah yes my dear)
my candidly tries,
and believe these words,
their gnostic mortifications is my basic accusation...!

shall i go, shall you trust ?

Silenced

2005-03-03T00:53:00.000+03:30

from here i can find myself,
silenced and forgotten by someone.
from here i can deny myself,
when i sealed by the someone's sign.
watch me if you want to know who am i,
and forget me if you want to forget a silenced one.

{ from where i stand i can see a stonehearted friend,
who decides to forget a silenced one }

The Quandary

2005-03-01T02:16:00.000+03:30

i find myself as a guilty,
love me if you dare.
i find myself as a dying man,
bury me if you can.

(taken from somewhere in my college notebooks, pre- 2003)