گیر افتاده در پیچ بلند

در تمام این لحظات (کاش فقط همین لحظات)؛
و در تمامی روزهایی که آمد و من شادمان در آن غوطه ور بودم؛
کاش می دانستم که چنین چیزی را خواهم دید.0
(تهران؛ دی 1386)

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آه عزیز من؛
این ماشین دیگر روشن نخواهد شد.0
این جسم فیزیکی دیگر به سوی تو نخواهد آمد.0
مرا اینگونه نگاه نکن؛
هیزم وقتی خیس باشد دود خواهد کرد؛
این ماشین دیگر روشن نخواهد شد و من در این جاده گیر افتاده ام.0
تو به حرکت خودت ادامه بده.0
تو را در جایی دیگر خواهم دید.0

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گاه ساکت و گاه ساکت تر از آنچه بودم؛
به خیابان بلند روبرویم خیره می شدم؛
به انتهایش؛ به جایی که به آن پیچ و آن چراغ ختم میشود.0
سکوت آخر پاییز؛ زمین خیس؛
تنها؛
گاه؛
با صدای بلند؛
آواز می خواندم؛
در سکوت آخر پاییز؛ روی زمین خیس؛
خیره به انتهای خیابان؛
در آن پیچ بلند.0

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از آنجا که ایستاده ای؛
همه را میبینی؛
جز من را؛
و من از جایی که نشسته ام؛
هیچکس را نمی بینم؛
جز تو را.0

پاییز و آنهمه سرد؟

شب همان روز

کلید انداختم و آروم اومدم تو. خونه تاریک بود؛
با این حال چراغی روشن نکردم.
خواب بودی و نمی خواستم از خواب بیدارت کنم.
صدای خرخرت رو که شنیدم خیالم راحت شد که بعد مدتها خوابیدی.
دودستی بالشتو بغل کرده بودی.
تو رو هیچ وقت اینجوری ندیده بودم.

خیس خیسم؛ بارون بدی میاد.
چتر با خودم نمی برم؛ می دونی که.
ساکت نشستم بالا سرت و نیگات کردم.
اتاق تاریکه. تنها چیزی که کمک می کنه تا ببینمت
نور لامپ کوچیکیه که جلوی پنجره روشنه.
خوابی و این منو آروم می کنه.
بعد اون شیش هفت روزی که نخوابیده بودی؛
ضعیف شده بودی. چشمات گود رفته بود. ترسیده بودم.
تو رو هیچ وقت اونجوری ندیده بودم.

انگار تمام خستگیهامو ور داشته بودم و با خودم آورده بودم.
وقتی نشستم و داشتم نیگات می کردم پلکهام سنگین شده بودن؛
از نوک بینیم؛ از موهام؛ نوک انگشتام آب می چکید.
تمام تنم انگار پر زخم بود؛ زخمی که فقط اون اتاق می تونست التیامش بده.
ساکت بودم؛ باور کن که ساکت نشسته بودم.
نیگات می کردم؛ طوری که انگار واسه آخرین بار دارم می بینمت.
آروم نفس می کشیدم. می ترسیدم بیدارت کنم...تو به این خواب احتیاج داشتی.
خودمو هیچ وقت اینجوری ندیده بودم.

خونه انگار که با تو خوابیده بود.
تو داری خواب می بینی؛ خونه ساکته؛ من تو رو می بینم؛ ساکتم.
سعی می کردم هیچ سر و صدایی نکنم؛ آرزو می کردم از چیزی هم صدایی در نیاد.
سایه سیاه خواب همه چی رو پوشونده بود.
گریه های اون شب رو یادم میاد.
آروم و بی صدا؛ بالشت رو جلو صورتت گرفته بودی؛
می گفتی: "من که گریه نمی کنم..."
گفتم: "اگه گریه نمی کنی چرا چشمات خیسه؟!"
اشکات رو پاک کردی و هیچی نگفتی.
فکر نمی کردم سوالم اینجوری هر دوتا مون رو برنجونه.
خونه انگار که با تو خوابیده بود.
منم همونجا خوابیدم.
رو همون صندلی...

از خونه که زدم بیرون صبح شده بود.
تو نبودی.0

Struggle Between What I Want & What I Gain !

03:00 am, The Dream Scene

it was a bright room,
a room that was surrounded by sunlight...
it was day and we knew it was a great day.
we were sitting beside the window,
in the sunlight.

"wow, long time no see ! how are you?
there are so many changes, in your face,
and in your body, seems you've lost so many weight !
heh I don't know ! I don't know...
so how's it going my friend?
oh, your hair has turned to white, why?
heh you seem so old !
no no I'm joking !"

he smiled !

"I'm so happy I'm here once again,
I'm so happy I have a chance to see you...
you know !
I thought it was all over, and I can't see you again."

he smiled, with no reply...

07:45 am, Waking Up From Sleep, In The Bed

I'm stuck in my bed, I swallowed in my sweat,
I stared to an unknown point you couldn't see,
although you are not here to see my point of view !
and if you were here, still you couldn't see my point of view...
ah this is what I wanted, this is what I needed,
but the result doesn't show what I expected...
I saw you in my dreams, as always,
and this is what I wanted.
but I'm crying, because I can't see you,
in my real life, in the real world, in the real time.

I had so many things to say,
but I've forgotten all of them...
the only thing I remember is the scene of the dream that I told.
you are gone, and I've missed you for awhile,
until I see you again and I close my eyes on my pains & scars !

My Cup Of Coffee !

O' I needed a cup of coffee !
oh I had a cup of coffee...
someplace behind of me,
the place I couldn't see.
he brought me a cup of coffee,
and it was not a gift, it was just a cup of coffee,
it was coming from our friendship.
I needed that,
and I still need it.

the taste of this cup of coffee reminds me
of so many beautiful things,
so many stories, so many events,
so many people I had always desired to meet.
but all of them are gone
and I only feel those beautiful things
turned to the most betray things in my life.

we stand side by side and I look into our cups of coffee,
and I'm sure these two cups are the same with the same taste.
a good cup of coffee still makes me high !

Thirteen.Eighty.Six

Do i need to post an entry in this space,
in the last hours of Thirteen Eighty Five ? do i ?
do i need some new words to say I Love You ? or something else ?
how do i feel this pain, this love, this life ?
how should i carry this body from here to there ?
and is there anybody to help me without any worry ?
i love these moments and i hate this passing time too.
still i have some problems with it,
will i solve this one ?...i don't know.
all my good things wait for me,
and all my bad memories hide behind someone,
or something that i can't recognize.
this is the way how i feel unluckiness.
Thirteen Eighty Five waits for my smile,
but i can't do that right now.
that was not good and still i can't forget.
i'm so proud of about what will happen in my life,
what i will gain and what i will be.
good or bad, this is the way how we live.
this is life, and it decides for us.

Thirteen Eighty Five wants to be part of my memories,
i'll never forget about what i gained or lost,
and i'll be the most important part of my life, ...if i could.

Thirteen Eighty Five left my room, and i'm waiting for the new year to come...

............................................................................
Special thanks to Fouad Amiri, for all of his supportings, specially through these last hours of 1385.

I Said My Excuses (But it Still Bothers Me)

no one knows, why i lay down,
it just kills me, with no gun.
no one feels me, because it robs me,
it drags me down, i hope it forgets me.

time passes, singer sings for grace,
and i'm sure, it's not me, it's pressure.
i hope you know, i can't stay anymore,
i should leave you, it's not me, it's pressure.

she stands toward me, and sings this song with me,
ah set me free. let it be free.
i told you behind the line, all about leaving you,
but i love you.

Be Happy If You Can

in the feast of friends, she looks straight into my eyes,
i drink and don't pay any attention to her.
this is not what i want.
my friends know who she is,
and this matter bothers me so much.
she wants to live with me, because she thinks i'm always happy,
and i just want to escape from the party,
because i finally know that she is a professional prostitute.

it's too late, she said yes.

The Cashier

February 15
A million stars glow in the night, all my neighbours sleep,
and i'm going shopping, i'm walking, at 00:34 am.
nobody knows why i decided to go shopping late at night.
when i desired to see her once again, i picked up the phone,
and dialled her number,...
she was there. she said everything is ready for our visit.
i'm wearing my overcoat, i'm so happy, tired & wishful.
i only think about her and her weaked voice.

February 2nd
when i arrived the store, she was sitting lonely behind the cash,
and smoked her cigar. queitly, with no expectance in her eyes.
i said: "hey !" and she turned back and said: "hey dad ! where the hell were you?

Redemption In A Cafe, Or Someplace Else

"Look into my eyes !"
the poor girl looks into his eyes, with so much fear & love.
"this is just what i want..."
"what do you want from me?"
"your heart, your soul, your virginity !"
the poor girl cries so hard and asks herself:
"where is the best place to hide ?, what is the finest way,
to feel my life once again ?"
the tall and blond man wears his glasses
and asks his final question:
"what do you think about it ?"

the sky is cloudy, and it seems that it isn't a good decision,
to spend your lifetime under the rain.

Until I Find Myself...

I love you,
but in this situation,
i can't show this feeling to you.
O' yes,
in this fuckin dark & mephitic crypt,
you shall stay
and promise yourself,
not to love me again.

Ashes Of A Friend

our one last day, when we were together,
when we were so high, when we were so low.
you sat alone on a bench, i was walking to you.
the people screamed, you was thinking about me.
when i reached to you, you said "i was thinking about you".
but i'm sure you weren't.