اگر سکوت است...اگر

همیشه قبل از اینکه حرف بزنم؛ می نوشتم.0
گاهی برای مطمئن شدن از همه چیزهایی که میخواستم بگویم.0
اما حالا که می نویسم؛
از حرفهایی که میخواستم بزنم هیچ اطمینانی ندارم.0
اگر سکوت کرده ام؛ ناراضی و ناآرام از تمام کلمه های از دست رفته ام هستم؛
تمام دردی که دیگر آرام نمی گیرد.0

در راهرو؛ قبل از احساس کردن کمی ناامیدی

تقریبا تمام راه رو دوییده بودم و اونقد موقع حرف زدن نفس نفس زدم که
که به نظر می اومد هل شدم و دست و پام رو گم کردم. سرد بود. اون راهرو بلند
که از این سر تا اون سرش با ماشین یه سه چار دقیقه ای طول می کشید رو دوییده بودم.
گفتم: " بیرون داره برف میاد. البته خیلی نه. ولی فکر کنم تا صبح سنگین بشه."0
مردم میومدن و میرفتن و تو اون شلوغی هی تنه می زدن.
آب دماغم رو پاک کردم و سعی کردم یه مقدار به خودم بیام.
-"تا اینجا که اومدم فکر میکنم که یه معجزه شده...
خوب میدونی! اینجوریه دیگه؛ یه وقتایی بود که فکر میکردم جور دیگه ای هم میشد که باشه.
یعنی همه اینا یه جور دیگه اتفاق می افتاد و من الان احتمالا خونم نشسته بودم و
احساس میکردم که آقای خودم و نوکر خودمم و اینجوریا!
شاید اصلا یه جور دیگه؛ یه شکل دیگه بودم و تو هم اینجوری مثل آدمایی که ازشون یه سوال بی سروته پرسیده باشن و
تو جوابش گیر کردن تو چشام زل نمی زدی."0

با یه لبخند که به نظر بی منظور بود دستش رو تو جیبش کرد و گفت:0
-"خوب..."0
-"خوب...اینکه...حالت چطوره؟"0
"چرا حالا اینقد هل شدی؟"0-

بارانی که آرام آرام

این خیابان مرا طلسم می کرد.0
بر طلسمش گاه بی اعتنا گذشتم و گاه در زیر باران؛
بارانی که آرام آرام مرا خیس می کرد؛
محو شدم.0
این خیابان مرا به انتهایش کشاند؛
جادویم کرد و انگار که هنوز خیس می شوم؛
وقتی که محو تماشای محو شدنم؛
در انتهای راه شده ام.0

برای او؛ می دانم که جانی دوباره یافته است

مردن؛
می بینی حرف تازه ای نیست !0
اینجا هیچ چیزی تازه نیست؛ جز آنکه مرده باشی؛
که حتی این نیز حرف تازه ای نیست.0
حرف تازه ؛ چگونه مردن است.0

وقتی می دیدم که آنجا دراز کشیده ای و کف پاهایت از زیر ترمه بیرون مانده است؛
زانوانم لرزید...بر روی پله ها دنیا به دور سرم چرخید...انکرو منکر را دبدم؛
و چه خوفناک بود آن هنگام که احساس کردم شاید دیگر نباشی؛
نفس نکشی و دیگر سیگارت را یکی بعد از دیگری روشن نکنی.
فندک اینجاست راست بالای سرت؛ بغل شمع.0
کاش می توانستم هر آنچه آن سو تر نمایش می دادی را ببینم؛
اما باور کن دیدن جنازه ات حال مرا دگرگون کرده بود.0

مردن؛
بازی مردن؛ بازی کردن با مرگ؛ شکار عزراییل؛
مهر هفتم...0

سرم به کنار صورتت که گذاشتم؛
اگر صدای نفست نبود شاید که می پنداشتم دیگر نیستی؛
و این نیستی پایانی بر بودن من نیز خواهد بود.0
اما تو مرده بودی تا زنده بودن را دوباره اندیشه کنی.0
هنوز هستی و می مانی و هنوز...0
کاش می دانستی که اینجا کسی نیز هر روز تمرین مردن می کند.0
بر روی بدنش بر روی روحش جراحات عمیقی است؛
ذهنش دیگر یاری نمی کند و دیگر توان تمرین ندارد.0
کاش او می دانست که تمرین مرگ کردن پایانش چه وقت است ؟
اصلا آیا پایانی بر آن استوار است؟
کاش او می دانست که اینک که تمرین مردن می کند چه موقع زمان مناسبی برای پس دادن جواب تمرینهاست.0
من از مردنت آموختم و می دانم که این آموختن چیزی بر خلاف آن روزهای با شکوه گذشته نیست.0
اگر سرد بود و بیمار شدم ؛ اگر همه چیز از آن سو آمده بود و من مجنون شده بودم؛
اگر همه بودند ولی من در آن سو مانده بودم؛ اگر تو بودی و من نبودم؛
اگر تو درجایی دیگر مردی و من نیز در جایی دیگر جان می دادم؛
اکنون تو دوباره می میری تا جان تازه ای بگیری و من در انتظار تو و او و همه آن چیزها می مانم؛
تا جان بکنم همانند همین زندگی ای که همچون خونی رونده از کالبد هستی من هدر می رود.0

کاش آن روز در کنار میز پایه بلند مشکی ای که جنازه ات بر روی آن بود؛
جایی برای من نیز می بود تا جواب تمام تمرین هایم را در کنار تو پس می دادم.0

برای ایلیا تهمتنی و هر آنچه در نمایشگاهش هنگام مرگش در دید من متصور شد.0
تهران 15 مهر 1386

محو شدن

صحنه اول
(فاصله بین من درازکشیده تا اون پنجره که رو به اون خیابون روشنه)

من هنوز بی خوابم؛ می بینی که…
سعی می کنم به هیچی فکر نکنم؛ که خوب؛ نمیشه که فکر نکرد.
پا میشم و از پنجره اتاقم به بیرون نیگا می کنم.
می ترسم که اونجا باشم.
می ترسم که صدای خودمو تو خودم بشنوم؛
وقتی خوابم ببره.
این خیابون پر از اشباح و اجنه؛
این آنتن بزرگ تلویزیون؛
این پچ پچی که هر از گاهی از زیر پنجرم میشنوم؛
منو بخواب میبره.
این خونه ها؛ این جوب آب؛
این تیر چراغ برق؛
و این سایه بزرگ درخت که رو صورت من افتاده.

صحنه دوم
(احساس کرختی؛ تا حدی)

من اگه هیچ وقت پا به اونجا نذاشتم؛
نه واسه این بود که از چیزی می ترسیدم.
نه واسه این بود که اونجا یکی هست که به یه زبونی که نمی فهمم حرف می زنه.
نه واسه اون درختی که سایه سیاهش همیشه بالا سرمه.
واسه اینه که وقتی اونجام؛
اونجام؛ به هر دلیلی؛
تو هر لباس و هر قیافه ای؛
خودمو گم می کنم.
وقتیم که گم کنم دیگه پیدا نمیشم تا وقتی که بیدار شم.
من اگه هیچ وقت پا به اونجا نذاشتم؛
واسه اینه که قبل اینکه خوابم ببره؛
به اون سایه زل می زنم؛
زل می زنم و پلک بهم نمی زنم؛
چشمام می سوزه و می بندم؛
وقتی می بندم...
...خودمو گم می کنم.

صحنه ما بین دوم و سوم
(احساس کرختی؛ خداحافظی)

اونا امیدوارن که بخندم؛
بغض کنم (ودر این حین اگر هم شد اشکی بریزم)؛
دیوونه شم و به سرعت هم سر عقل بیام؛
قبل این که بابا مامان از خواب بیدار شن؛
قبل این که کلاغی صدا کنه؛
قبل این که صبح بشه.
اونا امیدوارن که بمیرم؛
یا دنبال هر کی که گم کردم بگردم.
عاقل و دانا باشم؛ بپرم برم؛
وقتی خواستم بپرم دستمو بگیرن؛
به درون گرمم بکشنم تو...
اونا امیدوارن من خودمو خفه کنم.
امیدوارم این برای بچه های نداشتم اتفاق نیافته.

صحنه سوم
(…)

مردن قهرمان؛
درست لحظه آخر.
این خیابون منو می بره؛
از اون پیچ رد می کنه.
به هر حال بایستی راهی می شدم.

صحنه چهارم
(محو شدن)

محو شدم؛
دوباره.
تو اون پنجشنبه بد؛
مثل پشه له شده؛
ملافه مچاله شده روی تختم؛
مثل وقتی بال داشتم.
تو اون شب بد؛
من موندم؛
در که باز شد؛
من محو شدم.

The Parade Of Heaven's Tears

I passed so many roads, silent streets,

in the rainy cold nights and in the hot mornings.

all my big and small crimes passed before my eyes,

and I thought all those things will be only a big joke.

but all those beautiful soft crimes turned to a big mistake.

they told me it was a big mistake.

I don't know,

I don't remember how it was happened to me.

how can I take it easy when I can't keep it real.

how can you command me when I lose my mind.

let me learn how I can clean my tears from my face.

I passed so many highways, skyscrapers,

and I made some plans to what I should do with myself.

and now somebody tells me I had survived from those days,

but I can't believe about how heaven could be an abyss.

I didn't survive. if my beautiful heaven was a horrific abyss,

I swallowed in that, deeper, deeper, deeper.

how can I take it easy when I can't keep it real.

how can you try to pull the strings when there is no puppet.

let me know how I can recover those things,

how I can send my heaven, back to its place.

Struggle Between What I Want & What I Gain !

03:00 am, The Dream Scene

it was a bright room,
a room that was surrounded by sunlight...
it was day and we knew it was a great day.
we were sitting beside the window,
in the sunlight.

"wow, long time no see ! how are you?
there are so many changes, in your face,
and in your body, seems you've lost so many weight !
heh I don't know ! I don't know...
so how's it going my friend?
oh, your hair has turned to white, why?
heh you seem so old !
no no I'm joking !"

he smiled !

"I'm so happy I'm here once again,
I'm so happy I have a chance to see you...
you know !
I thought it was all over, and I can't see you again."

he smiled, with no reply...

07:45 am, Waking Up From Sleep, In The Bed

I'm stuck in my bed, I swallowed in my sweat,
I stared to an unknown point you couldn't see,
although you are not here to see my point of view !
and if you were here, still you couldn't see my point of view...
ah this is what I wanted, this is what I needed,
but the result doesn't show what I expected...
I saw you in my dreams, as always,
and this is what I wanted.
but I'm crying, because I can't see you,
in my real life, in the real world, in the real time.

I had so many things to say,
but I've forgotten all of them...
the only thing I remember is the scene of the dream that I told.
you are gone, and I've missed you for awhile,
until I see you again and I close my eyes on my pains & scars !

With No Passion !

There is something, someone inside me,
who forces me to write a new piece.
but i can't dare myself to write something,
that never shows my true feelings.
forget me...
this isn't what i want !

My Cup Of Coffee !

O' I needed a cup of coffee !
oh I had a cup of coffee...
someplace behind of me,
the place I couldn't see.
he brought me a cup of coffee,
and it was not a gift, it was just a cup of coffee,
it was coming from our friendship.
I needed that,
and I still need it.

the taste of this cup of coffee reminds me
of so many beautiful things,
so many stories, so many events,
so many people I had always desired to meet.
but all of them are gone
and I only feel those beautiful things
turned to the most betray things in my life.

we stand side by side and I look into our cups of coffee,
and I'm sure these two cups are the same with the same taste.
a good cup of coffee still makes me high !

Disorder In The Bed

That was a rainy night,
and I couldn't sleep.
the feeling that didn't make me wonder,
the event that didn't make sense to me.
I was lying on my bed,
I was watching the ceiling.
that wasn't the first time,
and wouldn't be the last time,
that I feel, there is someone in me,
who never lets me sleep.
if my eyes are closed, don't believe this scene.
this isn't my body that sleeps so well.

All The Same Events !

In the first night,
I wore my headphone and played that song,
the most dreamy song I've ever heard in my life,
but that was not "Closer".
after more than 7 times of hearing that song, I fell into sleep.
and I had the most beautiful dream I could ever have.
I can't remember that dream now !

in the second night,
once again I wore my headphone and played that song.
and it played more than 7 times.
I fell into sleep and once again I watched that dream,
the dream that I had in the last night.
that was a song that led me to the most beautiful and endless
dream in the world.

Before the third night comes,
when I was at office, I desired to go home,
night comes, I jump into my bed and play that goddamned song.

the 3rd night comes,
but I've lost that song on my player.
I can't find that song and I don't have that song on any other places.
and I can't remember where and when I found that song.
I've lost that song forever. and I can't have that beautiful dream again.
that didn't happen for the third time and because of it the game didn't start.

Every Action Has A Reaction

I was walking in the street,
and i was thinking about something that i can't remind.
all my questions had the same answers,
but i can't remind the answers too.

I Always Lose My Best !

i thought that had been my last chance to see her,
and that happened again and i wasn't ready to taste that.
it happened and it will always happen.
i don't want to stay here anymore,
she will come with me and i will carry my best things,
before i lose them once again.

Existence Out Of Nothing, And I Will Exit

Something exists under my skin,
it tickles me, it bothers...it still reigns my body.
something moves under my pillow,
it isn't my hand, it isn't a nightmare, it is myself.
it is myself but it's not me who tickles me.
when you bury my body, my existence will reveal my meaning.

Chaos !

this was a room, of an unknown man who doesn't live here anymore.
all these things i see comes from our home,
and this place will be our jamming room.
this is me, and he is my friend who wants to play with me.
i never want it again but it still sings here and i love that.
i tune my guitar and plug my microphone,
i try to unplug myself from this place, but i can't.
he looks at me and i still tune my guitar, i try to remind something.
wish i tried it before...
this wasn't my intro for this song, but i play that kind of shit,
and all of us think we are in the right way.
this is the time i should sing, and this is what i tried to remind.
i close my eyes and send a noise to microphone.
he stands out there and still looks into my eyes.
i can't remind the lyrics and our time is over.

Thirteen.Eighty.Six

Do i need to post an entry in this space,
in the last hours of Thirteen Eighty Five ? do i ?
do i need some new words to say I Love You ? or something else ?
how do i feel this pain, this love, this life ?
how should i carry this body from here to there ?
and is there anybody to help me without any worry ?
i love these moments and i hate this passing time too.
still i have some problems with it,
will i solve this one ?...i don't know.
all my good things wait for me,
and all my bad memories hide behind someone,
or something that i can't recognize.
this is the way how i feel unluckiness.
Thirteen Eighty Five waits for my smile,
but i can't do that right now.
that was not good and still i can't forget.
i'm so proud of about what will happen in my life,
what i will gain and what i will be.
good or bad, this is the way how we live.
this is life, and it decides for us.

Thirteen Eighty Five wants to be part of my memories,
i'll never forget about what i gained or lost,
and i'll be the most important part of my life, ...if i could.

Thirteen Eighty Five left my room, and i'm waiting for the new year to come...

............................................................................
Special thanks to Fouad Amiri, for all of his supportings, specially through these last hours of 1385.

I Believe It...And It Always Makes Me Believe !

Through the Insomnia Times,
when i want to close my tired and puffy eyes,
suddenly, i remember everything i had,
everything that i don't have them anymore. i cry.
and this crying is just like thinking.
thinking about why i just cry for my wasted things,
but i didn't laugh when i had them.

through the Insomnia Times,
when i want to close my red & bloody eyes,
i yawn and try to sleep.
maybe i don't cry for my wasted laughs.

When I Say It One Thousand Times !

Always i remember the moments,
the moments when i was with you, in the city of lights,
between the laughters, murderers and friends.
i just wanted to know why i was in there,
and why i always desired to be with you,
and why there was only me,
why i appeared in your way, my brother.
hell yes...i lose them all, there is not justice for me,
and i adore the moments, when i say these words,
one thousand times...
...I'm the second and you are still the first...
you're still the one !

Leaving Home And Every Bad Dreams I Had !

leaving home is an emotional event,
something very beautiful, unexplainable,
amazing & unforgettable.
all your family members want to hug you,
but you can't forget your damaged past
and you can't show what are your reasons to leave.
you just want to leave yourself, leave everything you did,
everything they did & every bad dreams you had,
in your place of birth.
yes my dearest, this is what i learn from a damaged,
& insane family.
i will not go, i stay here and try to forget,
all those sweetest moments i had...

Until I Find Myself...

I love you,
but in this situation,
i can't show this feeling to you.
O' yes,
in this fuckin dark & mephitic crypt,
you shall stay
and promise yourself,
not to love me again.