برای او؛ می دانم که جانی دوباره یافته است

مردن؛
می بینی حرف تازه ای نیست !0
اینجا هیچ چیزی تازه نیست؛ جز آنکه مرده باشی؛
که حتی این نیز حرف تازه ای نیست.0
حرف تازه ؛ چگونه مردن است.0

وقتی می دیدم که آنجا دراز کشیده ای و کف پاهایت از زیر ترمه بیرون مانده است؛
زانوانم لرزید...بر روی پله ها دنیا به دور سرم چرخید...انکرو منکر را دبدم؛
و چه خوفناک بود آن هنگام که احساس کردم شاید دیگر نباشی؛
نفس نکشی و دیگر سیگارت را یکی بعد از دیگری روشن نکنی.
فندک اینجاست راست بالای سرت؛ بغل شمع.0
کاش می توانستم هر آنچه آن سو تر نمایش می دادی را ببینم؛
اما باور کن دیدن جنازه ات حال مرا دگرگون کرده بود.0

مردن؛
بازی مردن؛ بازی کردن با مرگ؛ شکار عزراییل؛
مهر هفتم...0

سرم به کنار صورتت که گذاشتم؛
اگر صدای نفست نبود شاید که می پنداشتم دیگر نیستی؛
و این نیستی پایانی بر بودن من نیز خواهد بود.0
اما تو مرده بودی تا زنده بودن را دوباره اندیشه کنی.0
هنوز هستی و می مانی و هنوز...0
کاش می دانستی که اینجا کسی نیز هر روز تمرین مردن می کند.0
بر روی بدنش بر روی روحش جراحات عمیقی است؛
ذهنش دیگر یاری نمی کند و دیگر توان تمرین ندارد.0
کاش او می دانست که تمرین مرگ کردن پایانش چه وقت است ؟
اصلا آیا پایانی بر آن استوار است؟
کاش او می دانست که اینک که تمرین مردن می کند چه موقع زمان مناسبی برای پس دادن جواب تمرینهاست.0
من از مردنت آموختم و می دانم که این آموختن چیزی بر خلاف آن روزهای با شکوه گذشته نیست.0
اگر سرد بود و بیمار شدم ؛ اگر همه چیز از آن سو آمده بود و من مجنون شده بودم؛
اگر همه بودند ولی من در آن سو مانده بودم؛ اگر تو بودی و من نبودم؛
اگر تو درجایی دیگر مردی و من نیز در جایی دیگر جان می دادم؛
اکنون تو دوباره می میری تا جان تازه ای بگیری و من در انتظار تو و او و همه آن چیزها می مانم؛
تا جان بکنم همانند همین زندگی ای که همچون خونی رونده از کالبد هستی من هدر می رود.0

کاش آن روز در کنار میز پایه بلند مشکی ای که جنازه ات بر روی آن بود؛
جایی برای من نیز می بود تا جواب تمام تمرین هایم را در کنار تو پس می دادم.0

برای ایلیا تهمتنی و هر آنچه در نمایشگاهش هنگام مرگش در دید من متصور شد.0
تهران 15 مهر 1386

The Parade Of Heaven's Tears

I passed so many roads, silent streets,

in the rainy cold nights and in the hot mornings.

all my big and small crimes passed before my eyes,

and I thought all those things will be only a big joke.

but all those beautiful soft crimes turned to a big mistake.

they told me it was a big mistake.

I don't know,

I don't remember how it was happened to me.

how can I take it easy when I can't keep it real.

how can you command me when I lose my mind.

let me learn how I can clean my tears from my face.

I passed so many highways, skyscrapers,

and I made some plans to what I should do with myself.

and now somebody tells me I had survived from those days,

but I can't believe about how heaven could be an abyss.

I didn't survive. if my beautiful heaven was a horrific abyss,

I swallowed in that, deeper, deeper, deeper.

how can I take it easy when I can't keep it real.

how can you try to pull the strings when there is no puppet.

let me know how I can recover those things,

how I can send my heaven, back to its place.

My Cup Of Coffee !

O' I needed a cup of coffee !
oh I had a cup of coffee...
someplace behind of me,
the place I couldn't see.
he brought me a cup of coffee,
and it was not a gift, it was just a cup of coffee,
it was coming from our friendship.
I needed that,
and I still need it.

the taste of this cup of coffee reminds me
of so many beautiful things,
so many stories, so many events,
so many people I had always desired to meet.
but all of them are gone
and I only feel those beautiful things
turned to the most betray things in my life.

we stand side by side and I look into our cups of coffee,
and I'm sure these two cups are the same with the same taste.
a good cup of coffee still makes me high !

All The Same Events !

In the first night,
I wore my headphone and played that song,
the most dreamy song I've ever heard in my life,
but that was not "Closer".
after more than 7 times of hearing that song, I fell into sleep.
and I had the most beautiful dream I could ever have.
I can't remember that dream now !

in the second night,
once again I wore my headphone and played that song.
and it played more than 7 times.
I fell into sleep and once again I watched that dream,
the dream that I had in the last night.
that was a song that led me to the most beautiful and endless
dream in the world.

Before the third night comes,
when I was at office, I desired to go home,
night comes, I jump into my bed and play that goddamned song.

the 3rd night comes,
but I've lost that song on my player.
I can't find that song and I don't have that song on any other places.
and I can't remember where and when I found that song.
I've lost that song forever. and I can't have that beautiful dream again.
that didn't happen for the third time and because of it the game didn't start.

Chaos !

this was a room, of an unknown man who doesn't live here anymore.
all these things i see comes from our home,
and this place will be our jamming room.
this is me, and he is my friend who wants to play with me.
i never want it again but it still sings here and i love that.
i tune my guitar and plug my microphone,
i try to unplug myself from this place, but i can't.
he looks at me and i still tune my guitar, i try to remind something.
wish i tried it before...
this wasn't my intro for this song, but i play that kind of shit,
and all of us think we are in the right way.
this is the time i should sing, and this is what i tried to remind.
i close my eyes and send a noise to microphone.
he stands out there and still looks into my eyes.
i can't remind the lyrics and our time is over.

Thirteen.Eighty.Six

Do i need to post an entry in this space,
in the last hours of Thirteen Eighty Five ? do i ?
do i need some new words to say I Love You ? or something else ?
how do i feel this pain, this love, this life ?
how should i carry this body from here to there ?
and is there anybody to help me without any worry ?
i love these moments and i hate this passing time too.
still i have some problems with it,
will i solve this one ?...i don't know.
all my good things wait for me,
and all my bad memories hide behind someone,
or something that i can't recognize.
this is the way how i feel unluckiness.
Thirteen Eighty Five waits for my smile,
but i can't do that right now.
that was not good and still i can't forget.
i'm so proud of about what will happen in my life,
what i will gain and what i will be.
good or bad, this is the way how we live.
this is life, and it decides for us.

Thirteen Eighty Five wants to be part of my memories,
i'll never forget about what i gained or lost,
and i'll be the most important part of my life, ...if i could.

Thirteen Eighty Five left my room, and i'm waiting for the new year to come...

............................................................................
Special thanks to Fouad Amiri, for all of his supportings, specially through these last hours of 1385.

Eiffel Lies In Parking !

"Arash gimme that pencil..."
"that's very nice boy."
"heh, yes ! Eiffel tower in..."
"...in parking !"
"yessss !"
"just imagine it."

phone rings

5 minutes later
"how should i draw that fuckin arc ?"
"mmm ! from inside, from here ...to here !"
"maybe, we should check it from Google Earth !"
"yeeeaaaahh !"

...and nobody ever imagines that Eiffel Tower was under re-construction, somewhere in Parking...

It Always Hurts

I remember my childhood's playmate, when we were so young, so pure, when we played on the backstreet park, on the dusty ground. all days long we were waiting for our daddies to come, to steal his money, to spent our time with gum & gun, all those days are gone. but this is not what we wanted, this is not what we desired to have, O' my sweet friend, i'm so sad, you aren't here and you'll never know, how much i feel loneliness.

the Dead-End Street Cries

in this long, right and bright street,
that short, silent and dark dead-end street is mine.
my heart was broken by the shadows, my life was infected by them. Every sadistic dreams I expected to come true, went alive.
every sweet emotions are gone.
i'm living like this, the story of a boy who always misses.
i'm so sad my dearest, i feel so down my greatest.

nobody remembers his birthday and nobody remembers the time of death, may be yesterday, and may be tomorrow.
may be we fall in love together, tomorrorw, once again.
or just like everyday we forget each other, we bury it in yesterday.
in this short dead-end street, the time is so long,
the breath is so much longer...and Life doesn't exist any longer.
i'm so sad my dearest, i feel so down my greatest.

3 Stories About The Despoileds & The Deads

vision no 1 : Despoliation
all those birds, despoiled.
those sick cats couldn't stay.
until the darkness of night comes,
they will disappear in the trash of the city.
traitors sleep comfortably.



vision no 2: Cracks Of The Stone
i don't know !
do you know ?
how to learn a child about how we can plan a perfect suicide,
to end our life.
and how is the way of telling the children
"why he commited suicide, because of his meeting with the day,
but that shiny sun stuck behind the mountains"

i don't know !
do you know ?



vision no 3 : Story Of My Friend, About How He Died
i can remember his birth,
in a crowded place,
when i lost myself.
when he had a smile on his face,
and didn't think about why he couldn't see me.
he said hello to the world and came out from my head.
that was in the beginning of the night.

and now i don't know what was the time,
when he died, when he passed away,
without any goodbye, without any farewell.
this is the way how i feel loneliness,

did he think we should be closer ?

Ashes Of A Friend

our one last day, when we were together,
when we were so high, when we were so low.
you sat alone on a bench, i was walking to you.
the people screamed, you was thinking about me.
when i reached to you, you said "i was thinking about you".
but i'm sure you weren't.

On My Stone

(just like a candle...)

the light of my candle fades in the wind,
and it doesn't make any sense to you.
because you never know what happened,
what happened to me,
and of course to my life.

all you said was about my reality,
and you thought it was a lie,
O' my brother, i lose it again.
and this time is so hard for me.

it writes one my stone, i was not reality,
because i was a dream and the man who lies beneath tried to make it real.
O' my sweet friend, accept all my excuses,
this wasn't a lie, and this wasn't a reality.
that was just a dream, and you was part of it.
you was part of it...
you was part of it...

but still i'm not sure.